


When in doubt, go for the dick joke

by oddlyfamiliar



Category: Pitch (TV 2016)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Cunnilingus, Dick Jokes, Episode: s01e09 Scratched, F/M, Fingerfucking, Locker Room, Tumblr Prompt, terrible puns
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-11
Updated: 2016-12-11
Packaged: 2018-09-07 22:44:56
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,457
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8819056
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/oddlyfamiliar/pseuds/oddlyfamiliar
Summary: “Oh for the love of God,” Mike sighs into his hand as he covers his face in resignation. This is apparently going to be A Thing. “We’re not naming my dick, you assholes.”“Sure we’re not,” agrees Voorhies, before promptly turning traitor. “How about ‘beaver basher’?”---In which the guys decide that Mike's dick is basically a member of the team, so it deserves a name and somehow this leads to Mike and Ginny finally confronting each other after their almost kiss. Canon divergence after 1x09.





	

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Tiara_of_Sapphires](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Tiara_of_Sapphires/gifts).



> Terrible puns ahoy!
> 
> "When in doubt, go for the dick joke."  
> ― **Robin Williams**
> 
> This fulfils two different prompts. The first is from a tumblr prompt: _Dying for a sexy locker room smutty fic_. The second is from [Tiara_of_Sapphires](http://archiveofourown.org/users/Tiara_of_Sapphires), who challenged me to use something from [Tier 6](http://oddlyfamiliar.tumblr.com/post/153551060161/writing-smut-like) in a Bawson smut fic. Trust me and click that link. It'll make everything else much clearer...

“Does he just get his dick out for everyone?” Duarte says to no one in particular as Mike whips off his towel while he walks over to his cubby, ready to get dressed after his shower. 

 

Weirdly, his relationship with Livan has been improving since his failed trade, almost in direct opposition to his deteriorating connection with Ginny, although for completely different reasons. It’s taken a week or so, but eventually most of the team has forgiven him for almost leaving the Padres, and Duarte has actually started to listen to Mike’s advice. He knows that things won’t be as simple with Ginny. Their near kiss put an uncomfortable spotlight on their feelings for each other, and he has no idea how to walk that back. Or if he even wants to.

 

“Did you think you were special, Duarte?” Mike raises his voice over the sound of the rest of the guys laughing, and puts on loose shorts and a hoodie. He’s meeting with his PT in just under an hour, so there’s not much point in him getting ready to leave yet, like the rest of the team. He glances across the locker room to where Duarte is finishing dumping his gear in his bag, a hand spread out on his chest in mock hurt.

 

“I thought we had a connection, Lawson.”

 

Sonny cracks up from the other side of the room. “We’ve seen him naked enough that Mike’s dick is practically part of the team.”

 

“An honorary _member_ ,” Blip joins in, and Mike rolls his eyes at his supposed best friend.

 

“That was just terrible,” he says as an aside, “I thought you were better than puns like that.”

 

Raising an eyebrow, Blip stands and gets everyone’s attention. “In fact, I think we probably need a name for ‘Little Lawson’, it’s just rude otherwise.” With a smirk, he turns back to Mike. “Let’s see who’s better than puns like that now.”

 

There’s silence for a few seconds, and Mike almost mocks Blip in his failed attempt at getting the team to turn on him, but his victory is short lived when Salvamini suddenly speaks up. 

 

“‘One-eyed Mike’ is too obvious, right?”

 

“Yes,” is the groaned chorus from the room. Mike can’t help but laugh at that as he saunters towards one of the sofas and sprawls out across it, one eye on the TV screen above him and the other keeping an eye on the room to make sure the guys are gonna drop this.

 

When no one suggests anything else after thirty seconds, he figures he’s safe and the jokes are over.

 

He’s wrong.

 

“How about ‘trouser snake’?” Butch pipes up.

 

“Oh for the love of God,” Mike sighs into his hand as he covers his face in resignation. This is apparently going to be A Thing. “We’re not naming my dick, you assholes.”

 

“Sure we’re not,” agrees Voorhies, before promptly turning traitor. “How about ‘beaver basher’?”

 

Mike lets his head drop against the back of the sofa and he gives a long suffering sigh. Probably best to let them get it out of their systems.

 

“Nah, ‘flesh flute’?” Javanes chimes in, making Hinkley, Robles, and Salvamini nearly fall over with laughter.

 

“That sounds way too delicate,” Margolis says through a grin. “How about ‘Krull the Warrior King’?”

 

“What the fuck?” Mike spins around to face him. “What kind of name is that for my dick?”

 

Blip is almost crying with laughter now. “Oh man, that’s amazing.”

 

“‘Thundersword’?” Ellis gasps out his addition between bursts of near hysterical giggling, and Mike is ready to officially call this situation out of control.

 

“No, no, I’ve got it,” Blip says while wiping at his eyes. “‘Purple-helmeted warrior of love’.”

 

“Oh man, c’mon, it’s gotta be ‘heat seeking moisture missile’,” laughs Sonny, his head tipping back towards the ceiling as he clutches his stomach to try to control himself.

 

Every guy in the place is gone now. Some of them are still upright, barely, but most are either doubled over or almost sliding off their chairs. Part of Mike is annoyed that it’s at his expense, but a big part of him is just pleased that they’re all bonding again as a team. Well, almost all of them; all that’s missing is Ginny.

 

“What the hell is going on in here?”

 

It’s like he made her appear just by thinking about her.

 

Half the guys try to get their laughter under control, whereas the others just lose it even more.

 

It’s Duarte that finally answers her question. “We’re naming Mike’s dick, mami. You want in?”

 

Mike just gives in and buries his head in his hands. There’s no way this can get any worse. Somehow he’s gonna get the blame for this, he can see it a mile away.

 

“Oh,” she seems surprised. There’s no way Mike can look at her right now though to confirm. “Well, they were all stupid suggestions; you need something that rhymes, obviously.”

 

“C’mon then Baker, you got any better ideas?” Salvamini manages to get hold of himself long enough to challenge her, and Mike’s got to put a stop to this.

 

“Sure: ‘Mike’s foot long king kong dong’. Duh.”

 

There’s silence in the room while the guys stare at her in awe. Mike raises his head from his hands and spins round slowly on the sofa to look at her as the room erupts into howling, everyone falling over themselves in glee at her clearly superior suggestion.

 

She’s leaning against the wall, a truly adorable look of pride on her face, and very clearly avoiding his gaze. One by one, the rest of the team calm down and start to leave, passing her on the way out and fistbumping her or slapping her on the shoulder. She looks so pleased with herself that he can’t help but stare at her.

 

Then, suddenly, they’re the only ones left in the room, the sounds of laughter echoing down the corridors as the last few guys leave.

 

“Really?” Mike arches an eyebrow at her, and notes the look of mild embarrassment on her face when she finally looks at him.

 

She shrugs. “I’m probably the only one on the team that _hasn’t_ seen you naked, but I’ve heard things.”

 

“That wasn’t…” Mike’s unreasonably flustered. “That wasn’t what I meant, I was-- wait, what do you mean ‘you’ve _heard_ things’?”

 

Ginny walks over, shrugging one shoulder at him on the way, then she drops down on the sofa next to him, a respectable distance between them. She flicks her hair out of her face, and it suddenly strikes him that she’s wearing it down. She so rarely has it loose here in the clubhouse, that it seems jarring. The last time he saw her hair like this, her curls were brushing against his face.

 

“You’ve got a reputation, that’s all,” she says, jolting him from his thoughts.

 

Mike isn’t sure what to say to that. In fact, he’s not sure what to say at all. They haven’t been alone like this since… well, since _that night_. Outside the bar. He hunches over and rests his elbows on his thighs, his fingers scratching at his beard while he tries to figure out what to do. He needs to try to fix this with Ginny; he misses her, misses speaking to her all the time, misses the closeness they used to have. He misses everything about her.

 

“What are we going to do?” he asks quietly, looking down at the floor in front of him.

 

She doesn’t need to ask what he’s talking about. “I don’t know. We need to-- half of me thinks we need to talk about it, clear the air or something.”

 

His eyes flick to the side to look at her. “And what about the other half?”

 

She swallows and meets his gaze. “The other half thinks things are so weird because we left… _things_ hanging. Maybe we need to, I don’t know, finish what we almost started. Get it out of our systems?”

 

Mike can feel his heart start racing, but he needs to make sure he understands exactly what she means. “Are you saying you think we should kiss?”

 

Ginny squirms slightly in her seat, and he honestly can’t tell if it’s because she’s embarrassed or turned on, except he thinks it might be a little of both. Mike can feel his dick starting to perk up, and pretty soon he’s not gonna be able to hide his interest, not in these shorts.

 

“Yeah,” she breathes. “We should kiss.”

 

“Right now?”

 

She swallows again, her eyes flicking down to his lips, and oh yeah she’s definitely turned on. “Yeah, but uh, not here. This is a little too… exposed.”

 

Ginny still wants to kiss him. She wants to kiss him _now_. Sure, this is supposedly to clear the awkwardness out of their systems, but he knows that’s bullshit just as much as she does. If he does this, if _they_ do this, there’s no going back. There’s no phone call to interrupt them and there’s no pretending it didn’t happen.

 

Mike stands up, his knees cracking slightly, and holds a hand out to help her up out of her seat. She doesn’t need it, but she links her fingers with his anyway. He keeps hold of her hand as he walks them out of the locker room, down the corridor, and towards her private room. He pauses outside the door.

 

“You’re sure?”

 

Ginny looks at him carefully, takes her time in thinking this over, and Mike’s glad for that. He doesn’t want her to make this decision rashly, because he’s honestly not sure he can take another rejection right now.

 

“I’m sure. Are you?”

 

He strokes his thumb down the side of her hand and opens the door, stepping to the side to let her walk in first.

 

“I’ve been sure for a while, Ginny.”

 

She nods, a small smile lighting up her face as she walks by him, turning once she’s in the room to watch him. He steps in, kicking the door closed behind him, but never taking his eyes off her. Ginny moves closer, crowding him up against the door, and her hand brushing against his waist as she flicks the lock.

 

“How should we do this?” she asks, her voice hoarse.

 

There’s about a thousand ways that Mike has thought about kissing her, but he dismisses them all. He doesn’t want this moment to feel like a fantasy; he wants it to be real. His hands grip her waist and pull her forwards until she’s flush against him, her forehead resting against his again.

 

“Just kiss me,” he murmurs against her lips, and she does.

 

It’s… there are no words for how her lips feel against his. For how her mouth opens as his tongue licks into her, for how warm and wet she is as her tongue traces the back of his teeth. There’s no way to describe how right she feels in his arms, how much he wants to never let her go.

 

There’s no way he’s not gonna be kissing her every damn day until he dies.

 

Her fingers brush against his beard and her short nails scratch a little at him, causing his dick to twitch against her hip, and he can feel her grin as she pulls away slightly. “I don’t think this is getting it out of my system,” she admits.

 

“Me either,” he says, his hands sliding around to grip her ass, pulling her harder against him as she groans and hitches her hips into him. “I don’t _want_ you out of my system.”

 

“We shouldn’t… no one else can know, okay? We have to, we have to keep this quiet, just us,” she pants against his mouth, her fingers sliding back to dig into his hair as she angles his head however the hell she wants it.

 

And if it means he actually gets to have her? Fuck it, he’ll do the secret relationship thing. He’ll stomp all over his urge to scream from a mountain top that he’s hers and she’s his. He knows exactly why they can’t tell the world, and if she’s willing to trust him enough to risk everything… well, he’d be an idiot not to try.

 

“Just us,” he agrees, pushing back off the door and spinning them around, his hand curling under her thigh to lift her leg up around his waist as he slams her back against the hard surface. He grinds against her, his dick sliding under her and against her ass, and he grunts out a vague sound that he thinks is supposed to be her name. Mike can barely think straight, he just… he needs to be closer to her, needs to make her happy. Fuck, he wants to get her off, have her come on his tongue and fingers.

 

He suddenly realizes that there’s nothing stopping him.

 

“Mike, what are you--” Ginny cuts herself off with a gasp as Mike slides down her body until he’s on his knees in front of her. “Your knees,” she reminds him, concern furrowing her brow.

 

“Fuck my knees,” he says as he presses his face to her abdomen, his nose nuzzling against the fabric of her top until he can nudge it up to get to her skin. His hands slide down her legs until he gets to her ankles, then he finally pulls away from her slightly so he can get her shoes off.

 

Mike flicks a glance up at her face, wanting to check that she’s okay with this, and with the way she’s breathing heavily and biting at her lip, her eyes dark and watching him, he figures that she’s good. He asks anyway.

 

“This okay?”

 

Ginny nods immediately, almost frantically, and his eyes catch on her hands as her fingers scrabble at the door behind her. He can’t stop the smirk from twitching across his lips. Yeah, she’s definitely good with this.

 

“Tell me to stop at any time and I will.”

 

She nods again, and Mike tosses her shoes and socks somewhere behind him, before he slowly traces his hands up the sides of her legs, his fingers digging into her thighs as he pushes in closer to her again. He rests his forehead against her tummy, her body twitching underneath him as she struggles to keep still and her fingers are carding through his hair like she doesn’t even realize she’s doing it. 

 

He nudges her top up again, exposing her stomach and the waistband of her leggings to him, and he presses his face close, his beard rubbing against her skin and making her squirm. Mike tucks his fingers into the top of her leggings and rolls them down a few inches, just enough to reveal the top of her gray cotton panties, the Nike symbol around the elastic banding making him laugh. _Just do it_ , it taunts him. 

 

Mike keeps tugging on her leggings until he can peel them off her legs, but he barely gives her a second to adjust before he has his face pressing against her panties. He practically nuzzles into her, inhaling her scent and pressing light kisses to the material. She’s already soaking through them, a dark, damp patch right over her crotch. He opens his mouth over the wet fabric and kisses her, his nose nudging at her flesh until he’s pretty certain he’s rubbing at her clit.

 

“ _Mike_ ,” Ginny’s voice catches in her throat from far above him and her legs threaten to buckle. He pins her hips against the door and ducks down a little further, angling his head so he can keep his mouth pressed against her, but he can still look up the long, delicious stretch of her body.

 

She’s staring down at him, her eyes wide and pupils blown. Her lips look like she’s been biting at them and it makes Mike shiver. He keeps his tongue against her, pressing hard enough that he’s almost inside her, despite the material of her panties being in the way, but he’s still not close enough. 

 

“Please,” Ginny whispers down to him, and Mike can feel his dick twitch hard at the pure want in her voice.

 

He reluctantly pulls away from her for a moment. “Please what, Gin? What do you want me to do?”

 

She squirms against him, her hips shifting to press against his face, and she bites at her lip. God, he wants to give her anything, everything.

 

“C’mon Ginny, tell me what you want.”

 

“Your mouth,” she finally says, her voice quiet and breathy. Mike has to drop a hand down to his crotch, half to adjust his dick and half to indulge with a quick stroke. He only allows himself a brief touch, too worked up to stop if he keeps going, but Ginny’s eyes catch on the movement and he can hear her breath stutter in her throat as her hips hitch and she bites at her lip again.

 

“What do you want me to do with my mouth?”

 

Ginny moans quietly, her fingers scratching through his hair as she presses him against her covered mound. “Please, Mike,” she pants out, “I need you to-- I need… go down on me, _please_.”

 

He could probably die happy right now. Hell, he could probably shoot into his shorts right now, just from hearing her ask him to eat her out. 

 

“I’ve got you, don’t worry,” he whispers against her panties as he runs his hands up her legs, enjoying the feel of her trembling with need under him. He curls his fingertips into her waistband and pulls, tugging her panties down slowly, revealing her neatly trimmed curls and drenched pussy. Mike can’t stop himself from pressing kisses against her skin, across her pubic bone. He buries his face in the cut of her hip, his beard scratching at her thighs and getting damp with her juices.

 

“Please,” Ginny begs him, her voice sounding a million miles away as Mike’s entire world narrows down to the feel and smell and taste of her cunt.

 

He just hums at her, too far gone for words now. His hands slide her panties the rest of the way down her legs, gently lifting each foot in turn until she’s free of them, but instead of letting go of her left leg once he’s done, he lifts it, hooking her thigh over his right shoulder and spreading her open.

 

“Shit, Mike,” she says, her hands clutching at his head to keep her balance, but Mike just shifts forward slightly and adjusts her leg a little until he’s supporting her with his bulk.

 

Then, he buries his face in her pussy and licks, one long solid line from her soaking wet entrance right up to her clit, the flesh already stiff and swollen. She’s so hot, unbelievably turned on, just for him, and Mike has to stifle his groan as he wraps his lips around her clit and suckles. He ignores the sharp pain of Ginny’s nails digging into his scalp as she curls her body around his head, her reedy cry driving him wild. His dick pulses, threatening to spill into his shorts right then and there, but he ignores that too, ignores everything except for her. 

 

Mike wants to take his time, spend hours between her thighs, make her come over and over until she’s crying and boneless and he’s covered in her. But they’re in her locker room and there’s still people around, so he knows he needs to make this quick. He can take her apart later, when he gets her back to his place and into his bed. Thankfully they’ve got an off day tomorrow, because he has plans for her, and none of those plans include her being able to walk in the morning.

 

“Fuck, fuck, fuckfuck _fuck_ ,” Ginny cries out as Mike flicks his tongue against her clit, alternating every now and then with tracing figure-of-eight patterns over the sensitive bundle of nerves.

 

She’s squirming above him, against him, and he can tell that she’s already close. He wants to feel her clenching around him, so he slides his right hand around her thigh until his fingertips reach her curls. Mike keeps his tongue working on her clit while he runs his fingers between her lips, slicking his skin so he can get his fingers inside her. He rubs the pads of his pointer and middle fingers over her entrance, his dick flexing and jerking hard at how open, how ready, she already is. He had intended on starting with just one finger, but she’s obviously desperate for more than that.

 

Mike flicks his gaze up so he can watch her face as he pushes, two fingers gliding into her in one smooth slide, her pussy hot and wet and already clenching around him. Her eyes flutter open and meet his, the flush high on her cheekbones giving her a glow that makes her look perfect and angelic. His fingers plunge deeper into her and her mouth drops open, her breath hitching as she tightens her leg as it’s hooked over his shoulder, pulling him in closer. 

 

As soon as his knuckles bump up against her curls, he’s pulling out, barely giving her chance to get used to him. He keeps moving, fucking his fingers in and out, hard and fast, and he wraps his lips around her clit again and sucks gently on her. Ginny’s making constant noises now, hums and moans vibrating from her throat and sounding like music to Mike’s ears.

 

“Mike, _Mike_ , please,” Ginny moans out, her fingers tugging on his hair until he finally pulls his mouth away from her and leans back to look up.

 

“Kinda busy here, babe,” he teases, his fingers still moving and her right leg starting to shake with the strain of keeping her upright.

 

“I need-- _please_ ,” she’s rocking her hips in counterpoint to his hand, but Mike’s pretty certain she has no idea she’s doing it.

 

“What do you need? Tell me,” he says, his voice low as he ducks in quickly to drag his tongue hard against her clit. He pulls back and crooks his fingers inside her, rocking his hand instead of thrusting now. “Is this what you need? Tell me, Gin. Do you need me to make you come?”

 

Words seem to be beyond her now, her head nodding and her curls bouncing around her face.

 

He could take pity on her, but his dick is aching and he really, really wants to hear her say it. “Tell me what you want.”

 

A quiet sound of frustration grunts out of her. “Make me come, Mike.”

 

And yeah, he can do that. 

 

His fingers curl so he can rub against her inner walls, his eyes watching her reactions, and when he feels her twitch beneath him, her hips arching up and her head flying back until she almost hits the door behind her, he knows he’s got the right spot. He keeps on sliding his fingertips right there, while he buries his mouth in her pussy again, his lips and teeth tugging on her clit. She’s getting louder, completely unable to stay quiet, and he knows she’s gonna come at any second.

 

“C’mon, Ginny. I wanna feel you come around my fingers, sweetheart,” he’s muttering against her clit, but he knows she can hear him, because her moans hitch and when he looks up, she’s nodding at him.

 

Mike pulls his fingers out, but before Ginny can protest, he’s already sliding back in, three fingers this time, stretching and spreading her. He rocks his hand again, pressing just right, and he sucks hard on her clit.

 

It’s exactly what she needed.

 

He pushes up on his knees slightly to catch her weight as Ginny’s leg almost gives way, her body shaking hard as her cunt clenches down around his fingers, her back curving as she hunches over him, and she comes all over his face. Mike can feel the gush of wetness over his fingers and tongue, his beard getting soaked as he listens to her broken gasps, and he’s never felt as alive as he does right now.

 

Ginny’s body finally stops trembling against him and he can feel her slump back against the door. She shifts her thigh until she can move her left leg back down to the ground, so Mike gently pulls his fingers out of her. He drops a kiss against her clit that makes her squirm and laugh, then moves back, rocking up on his feet so he can stand upright.

 

“Are your knees okay?” Ginny asks, her voice even huskier than usual.

 

They’re aching, but it was worth it. “I’m fine,” he grins as he leans into her, his dick pressing into her hip and making him moan. 

 

There’s a ding and vibration from the pocket of his shorts, and the look of consternation on Ginny’s face makes Mike burst out with laughter.

 

“I’m throwing your phone away, Mike,” she grumbles, her forehead dropping forward to rest against his shoulder.

 

“It’s a calendar alert,” he grins at her, remembering the entire reason why he stayed. “I’ve got a meeting with physio in fifteen.”

 

Ginny pulls back and looks him up and down, her eyes catching on his erection and the state of his beard. “Yeah, you can’t meet anyone like this.”

 

“What’s your solution?” he raises an eyebrow at her, intrigued at the mischievous look on her face.

 

She nods over his shoulder, to the corner of her room. “Private shower. We can solve both problems in one.”

 

“Both problems?”

 

“Well, you definitely need to wash your beard,” she flushes slightly at this, and Mike can’t help but smirk. When her eyes drop down to look at his dick again, his pulse picks up. “And I can help you with that, too. It’s probably about time I actually get to see your dick, seeing as how I got the honor of naming it.”

 

Mike grins as he links his fingers with hers and pulls her towards her private shower area. “Get a move on, Baker, we’ve only got fifteen minutes.”

 

Her laugh makes his heart swell. It’s not going to be easy, hiding how utterly, ridiculously in love with her he is, but if it means he gets to have her… if it means he gets to try to make her as happy as she makes him? 

 

It’s definitely worth it.

 

And maybe he can convince her to stop the rest of the guys from teaming up on him. He really doesn’t want them to get any ideas and start naming any more of his body parts.

**Author's Note:**

> Feel free to say hi on [tumblr](http://oddlyfamiliar.tumblr.com/)!


End file.
